Secret lives and personal discoveries


Just now I’m listening to “In my secret life” by Leonard Cohen* and it occurred to me everyone has a secret life, a life reserved for themselves, a life concealed with a childlike covetousness. In my case I like to think I share myself without hinderance with my husband, but I know he would argue otherwise. In truth the secret life exists for both of us and looms dominant in the quiet moments when we’re apart. Ironically my secret life often includes thoughts of him – of him being a father, of him aging with me and so on.

Today in my secret life (the life I lead when my husband is at work or sleeping off his night shift in the next room) I am asking myself what I am aware of. The physical reality of my awareness is easy to express – I am aware of the warmth of the morning, of the crickets outside my window, I am aware that there is music playing and that it makes me smile to hear it, I am aware of my sleeping puppy behind me, of an itch on my ribs from a midge bite I acquired yesterday, of the glasses across the bridge of my nose. Awareness relating to the mind and emotions is more difficult to define – in words at least. This morning I am aware that I miss being pregnant. I am aware that despite this I don’t wish things could be different. I am aware of the contrariety of this statement, but I am aware that it suits my philosophy. I am aware that I believe in providence, which is why I have not once felt sorry for myself – to do so would be to reject providence. I am aware that none of this eliminates the sadness of losing a child in early pregnancy, but today I am also aware of this new anticipation, a readiness to begin again. I am aware that my child has not gone far, that in fact this child has stayed with me. I am aware that while I lost a pregnancy I did not lose the essence of that individual. I am aware that today I have learned how to breathe again and I have relearned hopefulness.

What are you aware of at this moment?

*note this song does not reflect my current state of mind – if you know the song or the lyrics you’ll know what I mean

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About Sharon

Writer, bibliophile, dreamer and student of everything
This entry was posted in JOURNAL ENTRY and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Secret lives and personal discoveries

  1. Savannah says:

    Awesome blog!

    I thought about starting my own blog too but I’m just too lazy so, I guess Ill just have to keep checking yours out.
    LOL,

  2. I dont know If I said it already but …Excellent site, keep up the good work. I read a lot of blogs on a daily basis and for the most part, people lack substance but, I just wanted to make a quick comment to say I’m glad I found your blog. Thanks, 🙂

    …..Frank Scurley

  3. vanyieck says:

    I believe we all have secret lives. I don’t think it’s anything sinister, just private. It begins with the personal thoughts that narrate the day. Those are usually not for public consumption.

  4. newtowritinggirl says:

    What am I aware of right now?

    I’m aware that I don’t have plans for tonight, that I don’t know if I’m going to see my boyfriend tonight or not. I’m aware that it’s 17.14 and if he doesn’t email to ask me in the next hour and a half I’ll call him and find out. I’ll hate myself for doing it, but I will.

    I’m aware of how incredibly tired I am today. Drinking until 3am on Monday night and getting less than seven hours sleep last night has not done me good. I’m aware that I want my bed so damn much right now.

    I’m aware that I’m really full. I’ve just had strawberries and yogurt and my stomach feels like it has expanded with the food. I am also painfully aware that even though I am so full I would still like some chocolate now. Maybe cake. Something ‘bad’.

    I’m aware of the noise of the computer next to me. Or maybe in the cupboard near the desk. I’ve been aware of it all day, continually humming. I have no idea if it started today, or if the noise from the fans we usually have on has masked it before now.

    I am aware that I have a slight pain in my arms or maybe hands when I sit (what I thought was properly) and touch type. Maybe a little pain in my shoulders too.

    I am aware that I have another 68 minutes of work left and I want those little minutes to go really fast.

    I am aware that the things I am aware of may not be of interest to anyone else. I hope they are though 

    • Newtowritinggirl,
      Very nice. It sounds like you have the beginnings of RSI. I’ve had problems with my wrists and shoulders from years of touch typing and have had to wear wrist braces to “correct the posture of my hands” – ick! I think you’d be surprised how much people are interested in the things you’re aware of. The mark of a good writer is the ability to express something we’re all familiar in a unique and attention-grabbing way.

  5. drtombibey says:

    oops, ‘second thought’ -typo. Dr. B

  6. drtombibey says:

    Sharon,

    I am a doc and I try to be the best one I can be. It is a lot of responsibilty, and I never shirk it.

    In my secret life I am a writer. Very few of my patients know. While I am work I seldom take my mind off their troubles.

    Our office is near the tracks. When the train comes though and the engineer blows that lonesome whistle I know in my secret life I am also bluegrass. I smile, close my eyes and for a moment, and in my mind hop the train for adventures and places unknown.

    The mental image refreshes me. I pick up my stethoscope and tend to the next person who needs me without a second though, at least until the train passes through again.

    Dr. B

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