Just now I’m listening to “In my secret life” by Leonard Cohen* and it occurred to me everyone has a secret life, a life reserved for themselves, a life concealed with a childlike covetousness. In my case I like to think I share myself without hinderance with my husband, but I know he would argue otherwise. In truth the secret life exists for both of us and looms dominant in the quiet moments when we’re apart. Ironically my secret life often includes thoughts of him – of him being a father, of him aging with me and so on.
Today in my secret life (the life I lead when my husband is at work or sleeping off his night shift in the next room) I am asking myself what I am aware of. The physical reality of my awareness is easy to express – I am aware of the warmth of the morning, of the crickets outside my window, I am aware that there is music playing and that it makes me smile to hear it, I am aware of my sleeping puppy behind me, of an itch on my ribs from a midge bite I acquired yesterday, of the glasses across the bridge of my nose. Awareness relating to the mind and emotions is more difficult to define – in words at least. This morning I am aware that I miss being pregnant. I am aware that despite this I don’t wish things could be different. I am aware of the contrariety of this statement, but I am aware that it suits my philosophy. I am aware that I believe in providence, which is why I have not once felt sorry for myself – to do so would be to reject providence. I am aware that none of this eliminates the sadness of losing a child in early pregnancy, but today I am also aware of this new anticipation, a readiness to begin again. I am aware that my child has not gone far, that in fact this child has stayed with me. I am aware that while I lost a pregnancy I did not lose the essence of that individual. I am aware that today I have learned how to breathe again and I have relearned hopefulness.
What are you aware of at this moment?
*note this song does not reflect my current state of mind – if you know the song or the lyrics you’ll know what I mean